Repentance Is Bliss

"Humility in your heart comes when you see what Christ gave up to reach you and me."RAVI ZACHARIAS

Not too long ago when I thought of the word "repentance" to be totally honest, I thought of some Catholic dude in a robe throwing water around saying in a not-so-kind voice, repent or go to hell! When I told my husband THAT was my first reaction to the word "repentance" he said "the places your mind goes...you're weird." Anyway, moving on.  When I started, in the words of John Piper, "swimming in the bible" (that journey started a year and half ago) I read the word repentance a lot. Repentance just means I'm sorry God, right? Wrong. Wrong.Wrong.

Out of immense mercy and love, God has removed the scales from my eyes and opened them up to a life filled with repentance. Just a year ago, I never thought to "repent". I said sorry sure, and I usually meant it but that is so not repentance. It's mind blowing to think how only a short time later I am eager to repent, I love to repent, and I never want to live without repentance. Here is how and why.

Few people are privy to knowing that this 5'5 (and a quarter) blond-haired seemingly well-put-together-girl has struggled with anger and fits of rage since I was 8 years old. By the way, those who just can't fathom children being born sinners, just talk to my mom. I am pretty reluctant to share this embarrassing factoid with the internet world but, if I can express the joy and salvation repentance brings to just one person, it is worth it. When I love, I really love. When someone I love hurts, I literally hurt with them. That's a good thing, right? Well, when I am mad...I am a sinful little tyrant that curses at anyone in my way. I've cursed at God. I've yelled at Him and blamed Him for not ridding me of this condition, for not quieting my fiery spirit. Why the Creator of this Universe has not struck me dead is a mystery...

One week ago, a pastor encouraged us all to read a book called Finally Alive by John Piper about being 'born again' and taking a hard look at ourselves then asking: Am I playing church or is THE Holy Spirit truly dwelling inside of me? The pastor said IF the Holy Spirit is really inside of you, there would be real changes happening in your life. He noted that just because the Holy Spirit dwells in you and you are truly a 'born again Christian' does NOT mean you won't struggle with habits and addictions and have to fight temptation and sin, of course, you will. However, if the Holy Spirit were really in you, there would be differences. There would be marks on your life that separate you from the world. When I heard this, just hours after one of my 'fits' I.STARTED.BAWLING. I'm in a new church, mind you. #EMOTIONALGIRLPROBLEMS. There are a million hashtags you could use for that scene. So moving on...again...

Later that afternoon it was raining and thundering, you know because the weather was lined up perfectly with my soul, I was clenching my bible, praying like I have NEVER prayed before, crying (you can't have a good repentance session without crying, naturally) and pouring my heart out to God. Why can't I get rid of my anger problem? I am willing, just like the pastor said, but I am not ABLE. I have the best intentions to stop lashing out at my husband, my dog, my mom, my dad, all the most important people get the worst of me, that is for sure. I say I'm sorry to God and sorry to whoever got the brunt of my rage. I REALLY AM sorry. I REALLY DO want to change but, I CAN'T. That sounds hopeless doesn't it? It's not. It's relieving. I can't change and I am not expected to change by my own power. The opposite is expected, actually. God demands that I die to myself, literally slay anything that reeks of me, in me (confusing I know). I must totally surrender myself to Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ is the ONLY One who has the power to change me. Trust me, I've read self-help books, I tried the stop-and-take-ten-seconds-before-yelling method. Yeah right, I never lasted two seconds let alone a whole ten. I don't have a chance at beating anger on my own. I tried to battle anger with 'inner strength'. My poor mother even enlisted a little help from a counselor with all the degrees a university can offer when I was teenager. None of it helped! THANK GOD. PRAISE GOD they didn't help (they had no chance, they were up against the Almighty) because out of my desperation to flee from rage, He let me see the sinful, rotten person that I am (please don't FB message me with a self esteem speech, please). He let me, in His grace, get to a place where I had tried it all and failed. Finally, last week, on that stormy day, I cried out to God and repented. I rid myself of me. I said I CAN'T DO IT and if YOU Lord don't show up it won't happen. I was weak weak weak, which is, exactly where God wanted me. God in His MERCY let me have a glimpse of the sin that had taken over me like the worst imaginable disease. He see's that. A holy and completely perfect God see's the sin we don't even know we have, or to the extent we have it. When I was able to see my sin for what it really is, detestable and UNBEATABLE without Jesus Christ was the moment I could really, truly, appreciate what He did for me on the Cross. He didn't die and say "OK, if you accept me as your Lord and Savior you will never sin again and all your problems are gone, go live a happy and stress free life at Disney Land". NO! He took the wrath of God due to me BECAUSE of MY sin so that I DID NOT have to bare it. Never have I appreciated Christs' work on the cross so much, because I didn't see my sin for what it really was. I didn't see how bad it was, and I didn't see how unbeatable it was without the saving Grace of God. God showed me, and now everything is different. Everything.

I think a lot of people say they believe in Jesus. And they probably do. Even Satan himself believes in Jesus! That's not that hard. But I don't think very many people realize how sinful we are, how messed up we are, and how desperately we need a Savior. I didn't know it and I have claimed Jesus as my Lord since I was a child!  I believed He was real, but. I didn't realize or understand the seriousness and the condition of my soul until God put me in such a dark place that I had no other choice but to rid myself of me, repent, and look to Him for my help. Now that I have just a glimpse of my sinful self, I am a grateful human being. I look at everything differently now. I am seeing 'fruit', too! In just a week! And I won't get too much into this today, but the enemy attacked me hard after I repented and finally felt the Spirit of God in me. The evil one hit me hard, and wasted no time. Did I stumble? No, because God's Spirit empowered me to resist temptation, to worship during hardship, and persist in patience. Will I stumble ever? You bet. I won't live this life sin-free, but a true change IS happening. So long as my heart is emptied of me and my selfishness, there will be room for the most perfect God to work in me and make me new!

Wrapping up, the next morning I opened up my bible and BAM! God shared with me THIS wonderful passage:

Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it-I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while-yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves NO REGRET, but worldly sorrow leads to death. 2 Corinthians 6:17

How perfect is HE? How merciful is HE? How loving is HE that HE being unfathomably greater, stronger, holier, more perfect would want me for himself. Its crazy. Well I've had a busy week of rebellion, repentance and redemption! I pray that God would grant you the same mercy.

With love,

B



Great video by Matt Chandler on how you are completely justified infront of God by Jesus Christ, it's quick! Check er' out! https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=x6T0m7uGJ

For Saeed

I am convinced of three things:

1. Prayer is powerful.
2. Praying with pure motives is the only way prayer can really be effective.
3. Honesty with God is crucial.

If you haven't heard of the American Pastor Saeed Abedini, please allow me to fill you in. He is an American and servant of Christ who founded an orphanage in Iran. He has been arrested and sentenced to 8 years in prison. Prisons in Iran are not like prisons in the United States. Iranian prisons are harsh and horrible places. Days ago he was transferred to one of the most violent and brutal prisons in all of the world. Saeed has a wife and two children in the United States. Stop and think a moment, what if that was your husband? Alive, but cold, hungry and likely being beaten and tortured. This could go on for eight years, or he could be executed or suffer to death. Can you even fathom the pain and agony his family is going through? Knowing he is alive and hurting and not being able to physically rescue him? Can you even stomach the thought? I can not. It makes me sick just writing about his story.

God brought Saeed's situation to my attention through a newsletter from Sumaritan's purse. I couldn't shake it off. I couldn't read the plea for prayer and think, "oh that's awful" and continue on with my day. I ached for him, and for his family. I prayed, but not fervently. I thought, what can I do? Surely God has a purpose for this man and nothing I pray or ask can change that plan. For some reason though, the Holy Spirit wouldn't let me let it go. Some time went by and I heard about him again. Thousands gathered in Washington DC for a prayer vigil to urge the President (of the US) to bring this up at a meeting he was having with the Iranian president.

Two days ago, his wife painfully announced her husband had been moved to the most brutal prison in Iran. So it would seem God is not hearing prayers. Wouldn't it? I was troubled, deeply. I again folded my hands and said "God, what can I do? Show me how to pray, lead me. Tell me what I can do. Should I share his story on facebook? Should I write about him? What can I do, Lord!"

Today Saeed's wife asked for Christians all around the world to take an hour to pray for Saeed. Can you believe that? That was it! That is what God wanted me to do! That was the way to help Saeed, his family and everyone who Saeed comes in contact with. I was still troubled though, I didn't know what to pray for. I know that Saeed's life whether he be released now, in eight years or is martyred for God is in the hands of our Lord. No matter what God chooses to do, Saeed's suffering will not be in vein. His actions are going to have a big impact on people in Iran, the US and around the world. His story, his life and his suffering will be apart of history. God graciously is allowing me to be apart of that through prayer. You can be apart of this historic time, too. If every Christian were to pray, if all of us where to share his story, imagine the effects it would have! We would not only come together as the body of Christ through prayer but we would be making a huge splash! We would be kicking evil right in the face. We would be standing up for Christ. We can help, maybe not physically but spiritually we can which, is more powerful anyway!

So friends, I urge you to take time to pray for Pastor Saeed Abedini and his wife and children. If you don't know what to pray for, here are a few things to consider:

1. Strength and courage for Saeed to continue to preach the gospel to his fellow prisoners and captors. Ask the Lord to send His angels to be with Saeed and the prisoners in that camp. Pray that the Holy Spirit touch everyone Saeed come's in contact with, including his captors. Pray that they would have open ears to listen and softened hearts so that they might be able to accept God's message of enduring love. Pray that God give strength to Saeed each day, to be able to do what God has for him.

2. Strength for Saeed's wife to continue to proclaim the gospel. How easy would it be for her to throw her hands up and scream at God for not allowing her husband to be released? Instead, she continually praises God and has faith that He will use her husband to teach the guards and prisoners about Jesus. She believes he was moved there to do just that; to proclaim Jesus' good news to people who probably haven't seen day light in who knows how long. They are hurting people, as well as people who have committed horrific crimes. Yet God loves them enough to use Saeed to reach them!  Pray that God give her grace, love and strength to make it through each day and be able to care for her children.

3. Ask God to show you what you can do to help Saeed. Ask the Lord to strengthen your prayer life and relationship with Him through this.

4. Pray that Christians world wide would hear Saeed's story and be inspired to pray for him, and make some noise for Jesus! We will not be silenced, Saeed will not be silenced. We will proclaim the name of Jesus until He comes back! Then every mouth will confess that He is God.

In the beginning of this message I said I was sure of three things. First, that prayer is powerful. I wish I could have been there in DC, to see thousands of Christians pray for one man. What an incredible sight that would have been. I was reading through Philipians and while Paul was in chains he said he prayed. He prayed for others and he prayed that he might be able to fulfill his purpose. If Paul thought prayer was important, so should we. Again, I ask you to think about what could happen if all of us prayed for this man and his family? Pray that God receive the glory, lives would be touched and the Lord's plan be fulfilled. Miracles do happen, and God is a good God.

Second, I am sure we must pray with pure motives or our prayers can not be effective. I want Saeed to come home, as I am sure all of us do. Yet, I feel God tugging on my heart. Should I want him to be released more than I want triumph for God and as many lives touched as possible? Do I want God's plan which, is crafted with an eternal perspective or do I want my plan to prevail? I want God's plan to prevail, and I guess I can hope that includes a safe return for Pastor Saeed.

Lastly, be honest with God. I told Him, I don't know what to pray for! He showed me, through reading the bible and through Saeed's wife asking for all Christians to come together in communal prayer. He answered my prayer, because I was honest and had pure motives. I wanted to help, I just didn't know how. He is so gracious and says we can come to His throne with confidence when we pray! Be honest with your Savior.

For more information on Pastor Saeed Abedini and the Be Heard Project please see:

http://beheardproject.com/saeed

Love to you all,

B

Aloneness is Beautiful

I was reading through the Bible tonight and I have to share a few quick thoughts.

The Bible says that not death, nor life, angels nor demons, the present nor the future-NOTHING in all of creation is able to separate you from the love of God that is in Jesus Christ. I have read that passage several times; I'm pretty sure I even put that verse on my wedding program. This time though, when I read that not even an angel can get in the way of God's love towards me, I experienced a joy that I wish for everyone to experience. Can you fathom that? God the Creator of all things loves me and loves me intensely!

When I read the bible, each time I read a verse I get something different from what I have read. This is only natural because I am experiencing different things in life each time I read. I must have read this last April if I put this on my wedding program! Even then, it did not impact me the way it did tonight. Why? I don't know. The Holy Spirit just hit me with it tonight. Perhaps because I am more focused. I am alone with God with absolutely no distractions (like a wedding). God speaks to me continually through moments like these, in times of being alone.

One on one time with God is powerful. One on one time reading the bible is powerful. Reading the bible is incredibly more impacting than a devotion or watching a sermon on YouTube. I do both of those things too, but they do not nourish me spiritually the way reading the bible does. Reading the bible is gut wrenching and terrifying and wonderful and encouraging and relevant (every single time) and intense. I used to open a little devotion book every morning, read a verse with a supporting paragraph and expect that to last me through out the day. Uhhh no. Not going to happen. I used to want something "quick" because I was busy. Uhhhh no again. I want God in a quick dose and I want Him to work miracles?! No. God wants time with you. Sometimes He is quick. Sometimes, He isn't. I tell you what He is all of the time no matter what or when or for how long: Powerful. He gives you power and speaks to you directly through reading the bible and the Holy Spirit guides you through that process. I physically experience symptoms of the Holy Spirit when I read the bible, too. I sometimes get hot, or have goosebumps or butterflies. The Living God is with me when I open up that book and let Him speak to me. Tonight He told me that I am not alone, I am with the Creator of all. He loves me passionately and nothing in this world or any other world can get in the way of that. I am not sure why He wanted me to know that tonight. Maybe so I would share with others or maybe to prepare me for an upcoming trial. Maybe He just wanted to remind me. I am not sure, but I am glad He did.

If you have never read the bible before I encourage you to pray before opening it. Be totally honest with the Lord and tell Him your questions, fears and reservations. Don't hold back...He's God! He can read your mind anyway! Then ask Him to speak to you through His book. I recommend reading John, Hebrews or Galatians  first if you are a first time reader.

The "Disabled"

God has given me countless gifts this year but He gave me one in particular that outweigh them all; the privilege of working with people with intellectual disabilities and their families. I learned a few things that I am desperate to share with anyone and everyone I come across!

First though, I should mention that during this experience I was developing my prayer life. That is a fancy way of saying I was talking to God more often, more intensely and more sincerely. I had no idea He was going to answer me in such powerful ways. I asked Him for two things. First, I asked Him to surround me with other believers. Then I asked for understanding of people with intellectual disabilities. Why are they "disabled"? Why are their parents and siblings suffering all around the world as a result of someone with a "disability"? Here is what our truly loving and glorious God shared with me through the most wonderful and inspiring people I have ever had the privilege of meeting.

Maureen is tall and truly beautiful. She has a soft voice but a commanding presence. She is a very successful woman in the worldly sense of the word "successful". She is strong, and has gone through much trouble and suffering. I could tell the first time I met her she was different but I couldn't put my finger on what it was until she shared her story. Then I realized, the Spirit of God is inside of this woman. 

She has a son named Brian with severe intellectual disabilities. Maureen explained that her son has heightened senses. His taste is more acute. Sounds are louder and touch is more intense. One night there was a bad storm that lasted several days and it scared him. He couldn't understand the loud wind and pouring rain. I guess there was thunder too, which scares me also! There was nothing Maureen could do for her son to comfort him. She tried to explain to him that it is just a storm and it will pass away. As a result, Brian became afraid of the water. Maureen and her family live on the beach, but Brian never enjoyed the water until one calm day he just plunged in knee deep and looked out at the vast ocean. Maureen said after that moment there was an overwhelming sense of peace for Brian. Peace. Glorious peace. (She told the story much better...but you get the idea.)

Is this not a depiction of our lives? It is a direct reflection of mine. I am just like Brian! I get scared when I am taken out of my comfort zone. I get angry even! When I don't see relief right away I panic. When I don't have a plan I run around wildly trying to find control. Meanwhile God knows exactly what is going on, knows precisely the next step and is just waiting for me to relinquish control and let Him work in my life. The storm is just like the world. The world is loud and completely chaotic. It is scary and dark. Life sometimes feels like a storm, too. Sometimes it seems like the storm will never pass. The water is Jesus who is eternal peace once we step into it. We have to accept His peace and step into His wonderful and saving presence. Brian has learned that storms will pass. Have I? Brian learned that the calm water is beautiful, enriching and wonderful, just like Jesus. Have I? I believe so, but do I do so? Maureen does, and she did. She willingly gave her life to God-and He has already kept His faithful promises to her and is continuing to do so. He is using Maureen, Brian and her family for His glorious purpose. How many of us will die without a sense of purpose? How many of us will live out our lives without completing the mission God gave us?

Maureen does not have an intellectual disability. She has a successful company and earthly duties as a business woman. God has blessed her with wealth with the expectation to share with others, but that is not her purpose. She has a real and true purpose appointed to her by God! God made her the wonderful mommy of sweet Brian, HIS beloved child! He chose her to take care of Brian. Some people in the world believe it is a curse. That is a lie. To be chosen to care for the "least of these" is to care for Jesus Christ himself. God says so! What a gift! Maureen is among the blessed, so do not ever feel sorry for someone who has a child with special needs. That child was created by the Lord. In too many cultures it is believed that parents did something wrong or are being cursed by god if they bear a child with a "disability". My God does not say that. In fact He says this about people with disabilities "Neither man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so the work of God might be displayed in his life" John 9:3

Brian does have an intellectual disability. He does not have success in the worlds eyes. It is hard for him to do things that are so easy for people without a disability. BUT Brian is being used by God to change lives. Brian has a purpose given by our God. Brian is not disabled, he is ABLE through Christ who strengthens him. Brian's life will be used to Glorify God- and isn't that the point of life? 

I met so many people with awesome stories like Maureen's. I may write about them all one day! I will never again look at someone with a "disability" and pitty them. I will never again look at the things they can not do. I will always be reminded of what God can and will do through them. So to wrap it all up, I would say God answered my prayers in a much cooler way than I could have every asked for. Amen!

Hypocrites, Full Pews & Empty Streets

I have talked to many people who say church isn't for them. They say "I don't like the atmosphere. I don't have time. I don't have to go to church to be a Christian. So-and-so is a hypocrite and they go to church, so I don't want anything to do with it. Church people are self-righteous. I don't like to sing". The list goes on and on!

Then there are those (I have/do fall into this category) who go to church but aren't being the church. There is a huge difference. Going to church, doing bible study, joining a small group, posting cute pictures of bible verses on facebook and downloading a devotion app are all important and contribute to spiritual growth but is that really being the church? Are we being the hands and feet of Jesus? God chose us to be the people He uses to work miracles through, share love with and provide for His children. He is using US to do HIS incredible work! One of my pastors (I go to many different churches) Todd Cook of Sagebrush Community Church said that God does not care about what kind of car we drive. Well, yeah that is an easy concept. Everyone knows that! Then he proceeded to say God cares about how many people we gave a ride...



God must be frustrated with us. We have some who think church is a building of moral people who judge the sinners, self-righteous hypocrites and a bunch of bible thumpers. We let one person, two, maybe even many people turn us off and now we have shut out God. In the words of C.S. Lewis "A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word 'darkness' on the walls of his cell".  The point is; you are loosing out. God's wonderfulness does not depend on whether or not you believe He exists or is a good God. He is no matter what you think. And for those of us who think 'living a good life' by going to church every Sunday, not smoking and tithing a few times is really being the church well, we would be wrong! God wants our heart, He wants us to serve all people and sacrifice everything we are for others.

This situation we find ourselves in would not have been apparent to me had I not tuned into Pastor Todd's message today. So, whether you are hesitant to give church another try or you need to be inspired again to get out of the pews and into the streets pouring out God's love to everyone you meet, I encourage you to change your day (and maybe even your life) by listening to a much wiser and funnier person than me! Tune in at http://www.sagebrush.cc/currentseries. Be prepared for a whole new church experience!

Look Up

With the holidays, my recent engagement (ahhh!) family and traveling I quickly became preoccupied with my immediate surroundings and lost the presence of the Lord inside and around me. The presence I am talking about can only be described as peaceful and reassuring. His presence is not visible or physical but I feel His wisdom and strength in me. When He is around I think a lot, about things greater than myself and pray for understanding of the big picture as much as I can. When my mind is focused on Him He soothes me in any stress or discomfort.

Throughout the past month I can't say I had really been in touch with Him. I went to bed so exhausted after all of the festivities I would forget to talk to Him. There was a clear distance looming between us and I felt afraid. I hadn't felt empty like that in a long time. I just got engaged for goodness sake, how could I feel so "off"? Well, it was because there is a large part of my heart (a bigger part than anyone else has) that can not be filled by my future husband. I do not live for my fiance', nor can he bring me strength and peace the way God can. Adam (for those who don't know is the man I am going to marry) is not the center of my universe. God IS and my whole world was thrown when I stepped away from Him.

My family was outside enjoying a bonfire and playing football on New Years Eve. It was dark and the sky was brilliant. We live on the bay and it was so still and clear that night. I looked out and saw the reflection of the stars in the water. I'm sure for some this sounds impossible, but I felt God tugging at me to leave and be by myself, near the water. It was almost like He was saying "come here, you and I need to talk." I went out to the very edge of my dock and looked up, and there He was. In all His glory, the bright stars and vast black sky was Him. He made everything that is beautiful and lovely and in those things is where I can feel Him the most. When I looked at the stars my first thought was "for anyone who thinks our existence was an accident, they need to look up. This universe and my life was no accident." The second thing I thought was "I'm sorry." I was sorry for neglecting my most treasured relationship. I was sorry for not trying to seek his eternal presence. I was sorry for not thanking God for the beautiful things He gives. My friend Abby calls the time I was having with God a "God moment". I can't explain my pure joy and contentment so we just label it "one of those moments".

It is a perfect and pure moment with my creator. It is a privilege to have, and I pray that everyone has a moment like I had with their maker.

His Bride ♥

Beautiful Bride 

One body in Christ One flesh abiding; 

strong and unifying -Flyleaf

God  refers to the  Church (His people) as His bride. That is one of the most intimate and special relationships any human being can have. I'm in awe as I really think about what this means. My God wants that intense and unbreakable relationship with me! Just as husband and wife become one in the flesh, Jesus Christ unites us with our God in spirit to make us whole with Him. He is in us, as we are in Him. He never leaves our hearts, never abandons us. When He is as even more involved in our lives as our husbands, our relationship with God is strong and unifying. Through sickness, tragedy, heartache, and joy He is always with us.

Obsessed

People who are obsessed with God are raw with Him. They do not attempt to mask the ugliness of their sins or their failures; obsessed people don't put it on for God. He is their safe place where they can be at peace.
                    -Francise Chan