Not too long ago when I thought of the word "repentance" to be totally honest, I thought of some Catholic dude in a robe throwing water around saying in a not-so-kind voice, repent or go to hell! When I told my husband THAT was my first reaction to the word "repentance" he said "the places your mind goes...you're weird." Anyway, moving on. When I started, in the words of John Piper, "swimming in the bible" (that journey started a year and half ago) I read the word repentance a lot. Repentance just means I'm sorry God, right? Wrong. Wrong.Wrong.
Out of immense mercy and love, God has removed the scales from my eyes and opened them up to a life filled with repentance. Just a year ago, I never thought to "repent". I said sorry sure, and I usually meant it but that is so not repentance. It's mind blowing to think how only a short time later I am eager to repent, I love to repent, and I never want to live without repentance. Here is how and why.
Few people are privy to knowing that this 5'5 (and a quarter) blond-haired seemingly well-put-together-girl has struggled with anger and fits of rage since I was 8 years old. By the way, those who just can't fathom children being born sinners, just talk to my mom. I am pretty reluctant to share this embarrassing factoid with the internet world but, if I can express the joy and salvation repentance brings to just one person, it is worth it. When I love, I really love. When someone I love hurts, I literally hurt with them. That's a good thing, right? Well, when I am mad...I am a sinful little tyrant that curses at anyone in my way. I've cursed at God. I've yelled at Him and blamed Him for not ridding me of this condition, for not quieting my fiery spirit. Why the Creator of this Universe has not struck me dead is a mystery...
One week ago, a pastor encouraged us all to read a book called Finally Alive by John Piper about being 'born again' and taking a hard look at ourselves then asking: Am I playing church or is THE Holy Spirit truly dwelling inside of me? The pastor said IF the Holy Spirit is really inside of you, there would be real changes happening in your life. He noted that just because the Holy Spirit dwells in you and you are truly a 'born again Christian' does NOT mean you won't struggle with habits and addictions and have to fight temptation and sin, of course, you will. However, if the Holy Spirit were really in you, there would be differences. There would be marks on your life that separate you from the world. When I heard this, just hours after one of my 'fits' I.STARTED.BAWLING. I'm in a new church, mind you. #EMOTIONALGIRLPROBLEMS. There are a million hashtags you could use for that scene. So moving on...again...
Later that afternoon it was raining and thundering, you know because the weather was lined up perfectly with my soul, I was clenching my bible, praying like I have NEVER prayed before, crying (you can't have a good repentance session without crying, naturally) and pouring my heart out to God. Why can't I get rid of my anger problem? I am willing, just like the pastor said, but I am not ABLE. I have the best intentions to stop lashing out at my husband, my dog, my mom, my dad, all the most important people get the worst of me, that is for sure. I say I'm sorry to God and sorry to whoever got the brunt of my rage. I REALLY AM sorry. I REALLY DO want to change but, I CAN'T. That sounds hopeless doesn't it? It's not. It's relieving. I can't change and I am not expected to change by my own power. The opposite is expected, actually. God demands that I die to myself, literally slay anything that reeks of me, in me (confusing I know). I must totally surrender myself to Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ is the ONLY One who has the power to change me. Trust me, I've read self-help books, I tried the stop-and-take-ten-seconds-before-yelling method. Yeah right, I never lasted two seconds let alone a whole ten. I don't have a chance at beating anger on my own. I tried to battle anger with 'inner strength'. My poor mother even enlisted a little help from a counselor with all the degrees a university can offer when I was teenager. None of it helped! THANK GOD. PRAISE GOD they didn't help (they had no chance, they were up against the Almighty) because out of my desperation to flee from rage, He let me see the sinful, rotten person that I am (please don't FB message me with a self esteem speech, please). He let me, in His grace, get to a place where I had tried it all and failed. Finally, last week, on that stormy day, I cried out to God and repented. I rid myself of me. I said I CAN'T DO IT and if YOU Lord don't show up it won't happen. I was weak weak weak, which is, exactly where God wanted me. God in His MERCY let me have a glimpse of the sin that had taken over me like the worst imaginable disease. He see's that. A holy and completely perfect God see's the sin we don't even know we have, or to the extent we have it. When I was able to see my sin for what it really is, detestable and UNBEATABLE without Jesus Christ was the moment I could really, truly, appreciate what He did for me on the Cross. He didn't die and say "OK, if you accept me as your Lord and Savior you will never sin again and all your problems are gone, go live a happy and stress free life at Disney Land". NO! He took the wrath of God due to me BECAUSE of MY sin so that I DID NOT have to bare it. Never have I appreciated Christs' work on the cross so much, because I didn't see my sin for what it really was. I didn't see how bad it was, and I didn't see how unbeatable it was without the saving Grace of God. God showed me, and now everything is different. Everything.
I think a lot of people say they believe in Jesus. And they probably do. Even Satan himself believes in Jesus! That's not that hard. But I don't think very many people realize how sinful we are, how messed up we are, and how desperately we need a Savior. I didn't know it and I have claimed Jesus as my Lord since I was a child! I believed He was real, but. I didn't realize or understand the seriousness and the condition of my soul until God put me in such a dark place that I had no other choice but to rid myself of me, repent, and look to Him for my help. Now that I have just a glimpse of my sinful self, I am a grateful human being. I look at everything differently now. I am seeing 'fruit', too! In just a week! And I won't get too much into this today, but the enemy attacked me hard after I repented and finally felt the Spirit of God in me. The evil one hit me hard, and wasted no time. Did I stumble? No, because God's Spirit empowered me to resist temptation, to worship during hardship, and persist in patience. Will I stumble ever? You bet. I won't live this life sin-free, but a true change IS happening. So long as my heart is emptied of me and my selfishness, there will be room for the most perfect God to work in me and make me new!
Wrapping up, the next morning I opened up my bible and BAM! God shared with me THIS wonderful passage:
Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it-I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while-yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves NO REGRET, but worldly sorrow leads to death. 2 Corinthians 6:17
How perfect is HE? How merciful is HE? How loving is HE that HE being unfathomably greater, stronger, holier, more perfect would want me for himself. Its crazy. Well I've had a busy week of rebellion, repentance and redemption! I pray that God would grant you the same mercy.
With love,
B
Great video by Matt Chandler on how you are completely justified infront of God by Jesus Christ, it's quick! Check er' out! https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=x6T0m7uGJ
Later that afternoon it was raining and thundering, you know because the weather was lined up perfectly with my soul, I was clenching my bible, praying like I have NEVER prayed before, crying (you can't have a good repentance session without crying, naturally) and pouring my heart out to God. Why can't I get rid of my anger problem? I am willing, just like the pastor said, but I am not ABLE. I have the best intentions to stop lashing out at my husband, my dog, my mom, my dad, all the most important people get the worst of me, that is for sure. I say I'm sorry to God and sorry to whoever got the brunt of my rage. I REALLY AM sorry. I REALLY DO want to change but, I CAN'T. That sounds hopeless doesn't it? It's not. It's relieving. I can't change and I am not expected to change by my own power. The opposite is expected, actually. God demands that I die to myself, literally slay anything that reeks of me, in me (confusing I know). I must totally surrender myself to Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ is the ONLY One who has the power to change me. Trust me, I've read self-help books, I tried the stop-and-take-ten-seconds-before-yelling method. Yeah right, I never lasted two seconds let alone a whole ten. I don't have a chance at beating anger on my own. I tried to battle anger with 'inner strength'. My poor mother even enlisted a little help from a counselor with all the degrees a university can offer when I was teenager. None of it helped! THANK GOD. PRAISE GOD they didn't help (they had no chance, they were up against the Almighty) because out of my desperation to flee from rage, He let me see the sinful, rotten person that I am (please don't FB message me with a self esteem speech, please). He let me, in His grace, get to a place where I had tried it all and failed. Finally, last week, on that stormy day, I cried out to God and repented. I rid myself of me. I said I CAN'T DO IT and if YOU Lord don't show up it won't happen. I was weak weak weak, which is, exactly where God wanted me. God in His MERCY let me have a glimpse of the sin that had taken over me like the worst imaginable disease. He see's that. A holy and completely perfect God see's the sin we don't even know we have, or to the extent we have it. When I was able to see my sin for what it really is, detestable and UNBEATABLE without Jesus Christ was the moment I could really, truly, appreciate what He did for me on the Cross. He didn't die and say "OK, if you accept me as your Lord and Savior you will never sin again and all your problems are gone, go live a happy and stress free life at Disney Land". NO! He took the wrath of God due to me BECAUSE of MY sin so that I DID NOT have to bare it. Never have I appreciated Christs' work on the cross so much, because I didn't see my sin for what it really was. I didn't see how bad it was, and I didn't see how unbeatable it was without the saving Grace of God. God showed me, and now everything is different. Everything.
I think a lot of people say they believe in Jesus. And they probably do. Even Satan himself believes in Jesus! That's not that hard. But I don't think very many people realize how sinful we are, how messed up we are, and how desperately we need a Savior. I didn't know it and I have claimed Jesus as my Lord since I was a child! I believed He was real, but. I didn't realize or understand the seriousness and the condition of my soul until God put me in such a dark place that I had no other choice but to rid myself of me, repent, and look to Him for my help. Now that I have just a glimpse of my sinful self, I am a grateful human being. I look at everything differently now. I am seeing 'fruit', too! In just a week! And I won't get too much into this today, but the enemy attacked me hard after I repented and finally felt the Spirit of God in me. The evil one hit me hard, and wasted no time. Did I stumble? No, because God's Spirit empowered me to resist temptation, to worship during hardship, and persist in patience. Will I stumble ever? You bet. I won't live this life sin-free, but a true change IS happening. So long as my heart is emptied of me and my selfishness, there will be room for the most perfect God to work in me and make me new!
Wrapping up, the next morning I opened up my bible and BAM! God shared with me THIS wonderful passage:
Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it-I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while-yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves NO REGRET, but worldly sorrow leads to death. 2 Corinthians 6:17
How perfect is HE? How merciful is HE? How loving is HE that HE being unfathomably greater, stronger, holier, more perfect would want me for himself. Its crazy. Well I've had a busy week of rebellion, repentance and redemption! I pray that God would grant you the same mercy.
With love,
B
Great video by Matt Chandler on how you are completely justified infront of God by Jesus Christ, it's quick! Check er' out! https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=x6T0m7uGJ
